Actions speak louder than words...

Although I have heard this saying throughout my life, I can't say I have always lived by it. There were years where I "talked the talk," but certainly wasn't "walking the walk." It eventually caught up to me, and I realized if I continued putting up a false front, I would never figure out who I am.  This revelation came right around the time I was first hospitalized. I was no longer able to put up the "I'm okay" facade, as years of disordered eating had taken it's toll, and it became evident to family and friends that I was not well.  No matter how hard I tried (and thought I was successful) at convincing myself and others that I was fine, the truth was blatantly obvious.
It wasn't just the eating disorder that had taken over my life, it was the pool of denial I was drowning in. I didn't want to admit I was spiraling out of control when it came to every aspect of my life. I drained friends and family of their energy, time, concern, and patience,  while I wallowed in my sorrow. I stopped making decisions, stopped taking care of myself, and stopped living life. After too many years of trying to convince myself and everyone else I was fine, reality slapped me in the face, and left me with two choices. I do something about it, or I drown... I chose to act.

I look at my life now, and feel so blessed.  I have incredibly meaningful, loving friendships and relationships. I do things that bring me endless joy, like singing in the choir, and writing my blog.  I am healthy, have food in my belly, clothes on my body, and a comfortable bed to sleep in each night.  Deciding to no longer cover up who I am, and what I'm going through, freed me in a lot of ways.  It allowed me to let go of the illusion of "being fine," and take the steps toward living a life, where I can be exactly who I am, and truly be fine with it.  

It has been a long journey since that first inpatient admission, and there has been a lot of facing the truth. I have had to rebuild relationships that I tore down in my selfish oblivion. I have had to reframe my thinking, and convince myself that I am just as worthy of achieving happiness, as everyone else. I have had to be brutally honest with myself, every single day, looking at the things that I am afraid of, and what it is I want out of my life.  More than anything, though, I needed to start doing what it is I want, instead of just saying it.