Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Reconstructing Myself

My life has gotten very full these past few months.  Something I think I feared for a long time, because the last time my life was "full," it became too much and I lost control.  This time around, I have no intention of letting that happen, mostly because I am so grateful to  have filled my life with such wonderful things and people.
A couple years ago, the idea that I could once again be on my own, in my own apartment, holding down a job, investing myself in a relationship, maintaining friendships, and participating in social activities, seemed virtually unfathomable.  The idea of getting through the thoughts in my head over the course of a day seemed impossible!  And yet, something inside nagged at me, reminding me I didn't want to dwell in the lonesomeness and misery that I had created, and so even on my worst days, I pushed through the fears of filling my life up again.
It took a lot of baby steps, and a whole bunch of falling down and getting back up, to be where I am right now.  A lot of those baby steps required me to look at what it is I want, and set small, realistic, attainable goals.  Sometimes the things I realized I wanted, scared the ever living bejeezus out of me.  Sometimes those things overwhelmed me.  Sometimes I have gone too far, too fast, and had to start over again, because I ended up somewhere I didn't want to be.  But right now? I'm here, and I'm happy.  I have this beautiful apartment, a job that I know is going to make me into a better human being, friends that inspire and encourage me, relationships that infuse me with love and strength, and a community of incredible musicians that soothe my soul and teach me how to give selflessly.  While at times those things can be slightly overwhelming, they are no longer what I fear.
I have had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way, and most of the time, they were hard because I made them that way.  At one point I got really good at putting roadblocks in my own way, and eventually had so many up, there was no way out.  Or so I thought. It turns out barricading myself into my own hell and losing control, is ultimately what motivated me to find another way out.  I have knocked down some of those roadblocks, repaved roads, and created new paths for myself, so that I could continue this journey of life.

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