After having a conversation with my friend last night, she mentioned something to me that started the wheels turning, and made me do some (more) self reflection. She noted that it was interesting how the difference between positive and negative emotions affect, and motivate us, and how since she has been following the blog, almost all of my entries are about overcoming negative emotions. I very rarely write about when I am experiencing extreme positive emotions.
After we hung up, I sat on the couch for a bit, wondering why I am so reluctant to share the really good things in my life with anyone but a select few. Why is it so difficult for me to sit down and write a blog about my experiences with happiness, excitement, and love? When I recognize a negative emotion, I am able to put the energy into discovering where it is coming from, but when it comes to writing about positive emotions, I seem to be at a loss for words.
Many of my blogs are about coping with negative emotions as I am experiencing them. In writing them, I feel like I have found the positive feelings of hope, awareness, and peace. These seem to be the emotions that keep me going, and are easy for me to identify, and share openly. I don't feel like I have to guard them, the way I do with other, more intense, positive, emotions. I think I fear, they won't be as long lasting. What I have failed to realize, is that they come and go, just like negative emotions, with what life brings our way. No one ever only feels one emotion, all the time.
In limiting my expression of the things that bring me true delight and happiness, I have also limited myself from experiencing them in their entirety. I can see now, it is a way that I protect my heart from what I have experienced fully...their negative counterpart. But not speaking about, or writing about them, doesn't allow me to see that doing so would actually open my heart more, and create more positivity in my life. Taking the time to process this, has reminded me that since starting this blog, my life has had an abundance of positivity.
I have surrounded myself with people that bring out parts of me that I never knew existed, and who cherish what I have to offer, as much as I cherish being able to share those things with them. I have felt the thrill of beginning something new, the excitement of fostering it, and the pride of building something strong. I've spent many hours doing things that make me feel good about myself, whether it be cooking a special meal, making someone laugh, or spending time with the people in my life that bring out the very best in me. Yet, it has been challenging to find a way to express all of these amazing feelings of elation and pure bliss, in all aspects of my life. I know it is because I am afraid that someone, or something, will knock it down, or take it away from me. The truth is, I am the one who is cutting myself short by guarding myself with this fear.
What I want out of life, more than anything, is to experience it fully. I want to allow myself the opportunity to create a meaningful life, filled with positivity and possibilities, and I don't want to be afraid to share it. So this is my first step. Acknowledging that while I have learned many lessons from all of the difficult, negative emotions, there are also valuable lessons to be learned from the positive ones. If I can allow myself the chance to experience all the joy in my life, and share it openly and honestly, not only will I be able to let go of the fear of being hurt, but also clear out space in my head and heart, to invite more positivity into my life.