Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Pillow Talk

At 11am, this Friday, 11/11/11, I will be admitted for my third inpatient psychiatric stay.  Plans are in place, details are worked out, and now, the days leading up to hospitalization number three, are filled with last minute appointments and errands.  I have to admit, I like this way better than the last two admissions, where everything was done in panic mode.  Even though my "freak-out" level has climbed a bit, it is nowhere near what it was the last two times.
My freak-outs have mostly been around how much I am going to miss people, and my comforts, with a few "what if I go completely crazy?" thrown in there.  Thankfully, I have an amazing network of support, and I know that I will be in contact with them, in case the "complete crazy" rears it's ugly head.  I've had group members offer to visit, my TB's daughter offer to send me pictures and notes, and friends who are far away, offer to be the voice on the other end of the phone line.  My best friends have promised to remind me that I have a sense of humor, even when I don't feel like I can laugh, and other close friends have made the commitment to remind me, when I ask "Why am I doing this?," that this is just another step towards bettering my life.
I think my biggest freak out, is around material objects that I am not allowed to bring with me.  I know this is going to sound ridiculous to the majority of you readers, but at the ripe old age of 31, I still have a "special pillow." I've had it for years, and even replaced it about ten years ago, when the original began to disintegrate.  It's one of those buckwheat neck roll pillows, that over the years has been used so much, it now feels like a bag of sand weighing down the corner of my standard pillow case.  It's rare that I leave it behind, even if I'm just staying overnight somewhere, because it really is a huge comfort and anxiety reliever for me.  It happens to be one of the items that are not allowed at the hospital. (Not specifically 'special pillows,' but all bedding is restricted)  I know I can survive without my pillow, I've done it before...just not for this long.
Just as I feel I need to have a proper goodbyes with family and friends before I admit myself, I feel like I have to have a proper goodbye to my pillow.  I plan on snuggling up with it on Thursday night, while I remind myself that I can live without it for a little while.  I know it sounds crazy, because even as I write this, I'm thinking to myself "Are you really writing about your special pillow that you don't feel you can live without, ON YOUR BLOG?"  Yes.  Yes I am.  Maybe my next blog will be about how well I am doing in the hospital, how I have managed to overcome the emotional withdrawals from my physical comforts, and physical withdrawals from medications.
I know this much: I am going into this admission with strength and insight that I didn't have two years ago.  I am voluntarily making a choice to step forward, into a great unknown, with hope that I will gain more knowledge about myself, and the tremor.  I am leaving behind some of my comforts, but I know that in the end, I will survive.  After all is said and done, I will still be me.  A woman who has learned to overcome and cope with all that life throws my way.  

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