Today is one of those days where my mind is going faster than my fingers, leaving my hands hovering over the keyboard, waiting for just the right words to connect each thought. It's not working very well. I could take this as a sign that I have nothing important to say, and beat myself up for ever having started a blog, but I figure that will only leave me with no new blog, and guilt that I can't finish what I start.
So I'm just going to sit here and type until something brilliant pops into my head. This could quite possibly be one of my most boring blogs, but maybe I'll learn something from it, or even have a point by the time I finish writing.
It's almost fascinating how many thoughts can stream through your head in a minute. I just went from writing whatever popped into my head, to wondering if I'd come up with something brilliant to write about, to silently yelling at myself to just type, to wondering how young I was when I started typing, to thinking how amazing technology is, to thinking how many blogs are out there, to who's reading my blog, to who do I think I am writing a blog, back to "just write what you are thinking idiot!" This should be interesting. I love when I end a conversation calling myself an idiot. I'm going to walk away from that conversation rather than get into a knock down, drag out fight with myself.
Had I attempted this exercise into the unexpected a year ago, I would have shut down the whole damn blog. I may have gotten a thing or two written, but I would have engaged in this fight with myself, and been convinced by my thoughts that I was no one special, and should give up this pipe dream. But I can recognize now that the fight with myself is an old pattern of behavior, an old belief, that if I kick myself down hard enough, no one else will have to do it for me. I can see now, how quickly optimism turns to skepticism, which quickly turns to pessimism.
I don't know that I coined the phrase, but I often say "I'm off to the races before I even realize I'm on the horse, let alone, that I have the reigns." I have spent so much time believing every negative thought that crossed my mind, and running off with them, that I didn't even take the time to do a reality check to see if they were true. Although I have yet to perfect the "reality checks," I've certainly gotten better. This post, after all, could have been my sounding board for all the negative thoughts in my head. Instead, it's reminded me of how taking a moment to observe my thoughts, instead of reacting to them, allows me to have a deeper understanding of who I am, what I want, and how I'm going to get there.